I like to think of myself as a rather in tune and insightful person. Even though I don't always act on it, theres a part of me that knows how to talk myself out of dark mental spaces. I know the tricks: deep breaths, focusing on sensations, moving my body, going outside, distractions, etc. So going to therapy and having course-correcting, mind-altering realization doesn't seem to happen to me all that often; when they do, though, they seem to be the most simple and mundane thoughts.
Through this health roller coaster that I've been on for years and years and years, I've fallen into depressive episodes of all lengths and severity. These past two years or so, though, I've been much more successful with keeping those at bay, or at least not letting them get out of hand when they do inevitably happen.
Anyway, in the past month or so, I've had multiple failed procedures to try to lessen the pain I've been dealing with, and none of them have worked.
The day of my most recent procedure, I fell into a really dark place, and since then, I've really struggled to get out of it - much more than I usually do. I was stuck in the mindset of "why try to get back to my healthy habits, I know I'm just going to fail and be miserable again; this is my life now."
So while I was at therapy, I mentioned this to my therapist and was going on about just not caring how dark and depressed I was feeling because "this is my life now." And her response to that was one of the most eye opening things I've heard in a long time.
It's OK to be OK
You read that right, "it's ok to be ok."
As we talked back and forth I came to the realization that I have this innate need to prove to people that I'm in pain. Most of the time, probably 95% of the time, my illnesses are completely invisible. It seems to be really only when I pass out or have troubles forming words or speaking that people can openly tell that I have something going on.
There was a time, mostly through high school, but part of college as well, that so many people around me were convinced that I was faking everything for attention or to get out of class or any number of reasons. So, at the time, not only was I dealing with this out-of-nowhere illness that completely upended my life, but I was also having to combat so many people just simply not believing me about it.
It blows my mind that I was in the throws of such a scary time. I mean, it should have been obvious - I couldn't hardly stay conscious throughout the day - and yet, most of the people that saw it frequently thought it was all a hoax.
So now, here I am, telling myself that I have to be depressed and dark. I can't smile and enjoy my day. I can't stick out the pain for a short while to do something that might be difficult for me. Because if I do, people won't believe me when I'm having a bad day the next day. Or hell, even the next hour.
Or at least that's what was going through my mind the last few weeks.
My therapist followed up with something else that struck me,"just as a 'healthy' person is allowed to not be OK sometimes, an 'unhealthy' person is allowed to be OK sometimes too."
I sat in silence for a few seconds trying to figure out why that felt so life-changing me, and I realized it's because I still feel like I'm trying to prove to the world that I'm struggling. But I couldn't figure out why. I know logically it doesn't matter what other people think, so why was it determining how I was living my life?
We all get caught up in our heads, we go down these rabbit holes that seem never-ending. Often times, those rabbit holes rip apart and distort the original thoughts and feelings that were originally there to the point that they become almost entirely unrecognizable.
Somehow, through all the stress and anguish and pain, my thoughts of "gosh this is really hard" turned into "I'm not allowed to enjoy my life because it has been ruined."
And let me tell ya what, the latter is not the thought that anyone wants governing their lives.
It's crazy how just recognizing that type of road block can get rid of most of it. It's hard work to rewire your brain and stop telling yourself the lies you've been repeating for weeks or moths, but just knowing that you're doing it to yourself can help that process so much.
I'm sure I'll be working through this for the rest of my life, but for now, I just remind myself of a few little things:
My pain and struggles are real and valid no matter what other people think
I'm allowed to give myself the grace of sitting with my pain without letting it consume me
It's normal and understandable that my threshold is different everyday
Just because I'm in pain doesn't mean I can't be happy and have a good life, and vice versa - just because I'm happy and living my life doesn't mean my pain is invalid.
