Hope is something that I have really struggled to feel in the last few years. I mean, not as in life in general, just when it comes to my medical life. I've been scared, lately, to feel hope that my pain will go away, hope that I'll get real answers, hope that I can stop hunting down the right doctors with the right experience and the right knowledge to get me some more insight to what's going on with me.
It's easy to lose that when you watch those hopes get crushed time after time after time.
Over the last few months, though, that hope has slowly started to come back. Now, I don't know that I fully agree with everything that the doctors are saying currently... and I don't know that I ever will. There are too many things going on for me to feel hope that any two people will ever see eye to eye on what is going on with me.
The hope that I've been feeling recently is all based on a surgery I'm about to get. Hope that this pain that has upended my life might finally get under control.
I usually stay pretty quiet about my upcoming procedures and medications until I've tried or done them. I do that very purposefully. It's because often I can't handle seeing all the hope that everyone else has, knowing I have none myself, and then watching everyone get their hopes up when it inevitably doesn't work.
However
A few months back I heard of a surgery for pain management. I asked my doctor at the Mayo Clinic about it, and he said they don't have any surgeons on staff that do this procedure.
I was crushed. And I, along with my doctors, were kind of at a stalemate. I was recommended holistic therapies, an inpatient pain management program, and had a nice long talk with a doctor about how to handle the reality that my pain is now, in fact, lifelong and permanent pain. All the things that are offered to you when there is nothing else medically the doctors are willing to do. The things that are offered when you've run out of options.
That all happened back in March. It was a tough realization to come to - that there really were no other options on the table for me. We were all at a loss. We had tried so many things and still couldn't figure out the source, couldn't put an end to the pain, and couldn't think of any more options.
But then...
I came across a doctor here in Grand Rapids as I was trying to find just a primary contact doctor for my doctor at Mayo to communicate with. I mentioned this surgery that I wasn't able to get at Mayo and he stopped me in my tracks -
This surgery that I was talking about is the surgery that he performs most often.
So, he took a few days to understand my case and file the best he could, and he got the ball rolling.
First were the (three) new medications that I had to prove to insurance that I tried and failed. Then we moved on to the (four) different shots/injections I had to try before I would become eligible for the surgery. Next, I had to go through a few different rounds of psychological evaluations to ensure I was mentally stable enough for this procedure - it's pretty invasive. And finally, the nice long process of running it all through insurance.
After spending months jumping through all those hoops, I finally have it scheduled.
July 18th.
At the time that I'm writing this, that's a week away.
Based on the statistics for this procedure, and all the testing I had to do prior to becoming eligible for it, both my doctors and I are rather confident that this will work. I haven't felt this sure about any procedure since my pain started.
I've been afraid to feel hopeful about this - at least outwardly - because I'm aware enough to know there is still a chance that this doesn't work. And I'm a little nervous about where things will go from here if it doesn't work.
But, nonetheless, I am hopeful for this. I do really think that all of this has been leading up to something. Something has to give at some point. Eventually we have to find the answer... right?
It's been a long journey, and whether or not this surgery alleviates my pain or not, the journey still wont be over. There are still questions left unanswered at every turn. But a step forward is a step forward. And it's about time for me to start moving.
I'll update everyone after I've had the surgery. We will see how this all goes. Thankfully there are only two options - either it works and we can move on and forget about all of this, or it doesn't work and we keep working to find something/someone that will.
Fingers crossed xx