Whether it is a son, daughter, friend, significant other, sibling, roommate, or anyone else, whatever relation they have to you, we all know someone that is going through the wringer.
Everyone struggles with something. Everyone is going through something. And everyone has or is currently struggling with something that others cannot relate to. And when we feel we can't relate to another person's struggles, it can be difficult to help them through it.
I've heard it time and time again: "I can't imagine what you're going through." "I could never get through what you're dealing with." etc.
So, how do we help people if we can't relate? If we can't share how we felt because we’ve never been through the same thing, what do we say?
I've came up with a list of a few things that I personally like to hear when I'm going through it - the types of things that don't instantly make me shut down when I hear them. Sometimes just simply using the right words is all we need.
I'm going to preface this list with this: I know that 99% of the time, people have nothing but the best intentions in mind, however, intentions can't always be seen when a person's mind is blocked by their struggles and demons. For that reason, understanding the "why" behind a few of these ideas might be helpful.
Here's the list I compiled (in no particular order).
Avoid "toxic" positivity :
Personally, even on my bad days, I know that there is still so much good in my life. I know there is a bright side, I know that the current situation in my life wont last forever. However, being constantly reminded of that is not nearly as helpful as one might think.
In my head, when I hear people tell me things of the sort, I often feel invalidated. As if no one is listening to me. I'm not saying every single thing in my life is terrible, I'm saying that this right here and now is rough and I want help. I'm saying that I know it isn't forever, but right now I'm struggling to see past it. I'm saying I need help with this one specific issue. If the only response I ever get is "It'll get better," "well, not everything is horrible," "focus on the positive," often what I hear is "I don't have time for your problems so figure it out yourself."
I get that that is not typically what someone trying to help me is thinking or feeling, however, that is the thought in my mind that is triggered when these are the only responses I get. There is a time and a place for just glossing over the issue and moving on, but more often than not, all that does is cause the person to shut down and keep quiet.
So, know that positive messages are still good, but if you are using a positive message to shut down and move past the concerns and struggles, the person you are talking to will know.
Create time/space for them:
It's hard for me personally to talk openly about the things I'm struggling with. Whether that's mental health struggles or more physical health struggles, it's difficult to say "hey, I'm struggling and I need help." It takes me a while to get those words out and elaborate on what I mean and really get the other person to understand what I am trying to say. Because of this, when someone is on their way out or only has 5 minutes to talk or is obviously caught up in other things, I will almost never get into what's bothering me or what I'm struggling with. I need to know that if I put myself in a vulnerable spot, I'll be safe and I'll have someone there with me.
Just putting down your phone and freeing up some time for them is huge. And if you don't have time - everyone has hectic schedules - let them know. A simple "hey, I don't have the time to give you what you need right now. I want to hear all about this, but I want to give you my full attention. Can we have this talk at ____ time?"
Give them the reassurance that you aren't just blowing them off - that you care and you know they deserve your full attention while still respecting your own boundaries and responsibilities.
Avoid making it about you:
"I'm so sad you're going through this," "it hurts me to know you're hurting," - all said with good intention but has the potential to make others feel like a burden; we don't want to cause any strife in your life because we are venting. That's not to say it isn't nice to know that you feel part of our pain, more-so to say that, as with everything, there is a time and a place.
Selfishly, sometimes when I'm venting, I want the conversation to be about me. If I am struggling to keep my head above water, I don't want to feel the pressure of making you feel OK about what I am going through.
Reassure them:
Caveat - only follow this if you mean it.
"It makes sense that you're stressed," "you should be frustrated about that," "I would probably feel similar in your situation"
Let them know they aren't crazy for the feelings they have. Let them know it's ok to be frustrated about certain situations. Often times, for me at least, that simple reassurance is enough to make me feel validated and allows me to move past those feelings easier.
Remind them why you're there for them in the first place. Remind them you're there because you love them, that you're not going anywhere and you can be a safe place for them to feel what they're feeling. Remind them that their struggles don't burden you. Remind them that you care and that you notice the little things.
I've seen this in myself and many others: the struggle of dealing with your demons is a difficult one, and only made harder when you're wondering if the person you're talking to cares. Having to question whether you're being "too much" or if the other person even wants to have the conversation makes those demons that much harder to fight.
Pay attention:
This might be more of a personal thing, but a lot of people with chronic pain/illnesses or with mental illnesses that I have spoken to tend to feel similarly. I struggle to vocalize every time I need help. But, I have very specific actions that mean certain things, or that can be hints to different things. Now I know I can't expect people to just know those things. But I've gotten used to sitting down and discussing those little actions with people close to me. Saying something along the lines of: keep an eye out for when I do _____, it means _____ and also means that I probably don't have it in me to ask for help but I still need it.
Take the time or pay attention and/or ask about changes in a person and what it means. Maybe there’s a shift in their attitude. Maybe they start talking differently. Maybe they start to limp or they shut down or they do any number of things. The point is, take the time to notice the little things and ask about them.
Ask questions, get involved:
This a quick list of a few of the questions that I have loved being asked:
Do you want guidance/advice, or do you just want to vent?
Can you tell me more so I can be a better support?
Do you want to focus on this or be distracted from it?
There are hundreds of different ways to phrase these questions, but something along these lines will help keep you and the person you are trying to support on the same page.
Most of us are not trained in how to deal with other people's trials. Very few of us are licensed or trained therapists/psychologists/anything of the sort. It's understandable that we don't have the right things to say all the time. But asking questions like this can at least help set the right intentions for the conversations you are having with your loved ones.
Don't forget about your own boundaries:
We all have a limit on what we can handle. Every single person, whether it is known or not, has their own struggles. And every person has a different threshold of what they can handle.
If you don't have it in you to be the support that someone else needs, let them know. I'm not saying just ignore others, I'm not saying to just blow them off, but don't forget that you have boundaries too.
Saying things like:
Can you give me some time to process this so I can give you my all?
I am not in a clear headspace myself, can we talk later?
My plate is full right now, I want to be here for you, but I can't give you the attention I would like to at this time, can I come back to this when I have the space?
You deserve more than I can give you at this moment, can we revisit this?
or anything of the sort. Simple phrases like this can help others know they aren't alone, but remind them that you're just as human as they are and you have struggles too.
Just because someone in your life is having a hard time does not mean you are not allowed to struggle as well. As I said, everyone has different thresholds. Just because it seems that someone else is fighting a "bigger" battle than you are, doesn't mean that your battle isn't taking everything out of you.
So remember that, because those in pain can sometimes have a hard time remembering that for themselves in the moment (I know I do sometimes).
Pro tip: If you're going through hard times and don't like the type of support you're getting from someone, let them know. Tell them how they can better help. Because if they're already putting forth the effort to try to support you, it likely means they're going to be receptive to direction on how to support you the best.
I can't tell you exactly when or how it happened, but my mom and I were able to get on that wavelength and it helped me so much.
I so often start conversations between her and I with, "Mom, I want to talk, but I need you to respond [this way]. Once you've had a chance to process and think through what I'm going to tell you, we can finish the conversation."
I can't tell you how much that has helped both of us. That way, I know I will be "safe" with the information I'm going to share - I'm not freezing because of how she might respond. And she can take comfort in knowing that I am not wanting or needing a quick reaction. She can take the information I share with her and process it and give herself all the time she needs to give me the response that she really wants to give me.
At the end of the day, all things considered, you just have to know what works best for you and your relationships. Everyone you speak to is going to play a slightly different role in your life and vice versa.
Take the time to get to know their needs, how they process things, what comforts them most when struggling. All you need to start is an open mind and a loving heart and I promise you, you will improve the life of the people around you.
Pictured here is my biggest and best support, my momma :)
Keep in mind these are all just my thoughts, take it or leave it, not everything works for everyone! We all have different perspectives and circumstances, and in turn, different needs.
If you have any tips or advice to add, things that have helped you, or any thoughts to share, please do! I’d love to hear from you. <3